‘Why I decided not to get married’ – How some Nigerian women ‘tried’

Susan Imaibehe Ekpoh is one of the few female pilots in Nigeria. She lives in Abuja, the capital of Nigeria.

She developed an interest in aviation when she was a child, when she and her mother boarded a plane when she was eight years old. There was something she saw that stuck in her mind.

Susan’s dream of becoming a pilot was not fulfilled. As a pilot, her job required her to work 27 hours a day, and when the plane was taking off, she had to focus on what she was doing.

Susan described her experience when she first started flying: “Flying as a woman was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. I loved the job, it was challenging and exhausting.”

Joining a male-dominated industry was also a different experience for her, and she decided not to have children.

In Nigerian society, it is said that a woman is complete when she gets married and has children, but now there are more and more women across Nigeria who are choosing not to have children, not because they are not having children, but simply because they do not want children.

Susan, 30, is one of these women. She says being a mother is the hardest job in the world and one cannot do it properly if one is not prepared for it, or if one is not loved.

She added that she did not decide to have children because of the nature of her job, saying that there are female pilots who have given birth – her reasons are different.

“It was not one thing that happened that made me say I would not have children. It was my life circumstances, the choices I made for myself, and the life I wanted to live, that made me see no point in having children.”

Although Susan has the support of her family, she says her decision has affected her love life

“I believe that you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do, because that’s where the heartache starts. I wouldn’t go after someone who wants a child and say I’ll change their mind, and I wouldn’t let anyone tell me to stop. The most important thing is that we work together.”

“My door is open to love and marriage, but I’m not going to just leave my life like that and let it happen. If God has destined it for me, that’s a good thing. And if I don’t find someone who shares my opinion, I don’t care.

“Relationships are not just between husband and wife, I’ve built my life around having a lot of people, friends and family who share my views. We want a good life. We want to build our own.”

Jennifer works for a technology company in Lagos.

For her part, her decision to not have children was due to what she experienced growing up as the first child, as well as the social and economic conditions.

“I grew up in a family with problems here and there. I saw my sister and my mother and the burden that was on me as the first child. That’s what I saw and said, ‘I’m not going to have children, I don’t have that strength.'”

Jennifer said her mother kept advising her to change her mind.

“My mother used to say, ‘Who will take care of you when you get old?’ To be honest, I remember that, but when I go on social media, I come across women who are like me, who are in their 50s and living a healthy life. I have to say, ‘My life will be good too, as long as I plan it properly.'”

There’s no regrets

For 41-year-old Destiny Udey, who is married, her life has been different.

She said she had been secretly wondering why she wanted to have children for a long time, but it was only after her marriage and a miscarriage that she found the courage to come out and say she didn’t want children.

“I got pregnant in 2021, I remember when I found out I was pregnant, people kept advising me to abort, but when the baby didn’t come alive, I came out and told my friends, relatives and in-laws.”

Destiny said her husband, mother and in-laws supported her decision, although some of her relatives and friends were against it.

“We agreed before we got married that we didn’t have to have children. So when I decided not to have children, my husband asked me if I was serious. He said it was not a problem for him.”

Destiny says she is not ashamed to talk about her choices on social media.

“I am happy that I am living the life I have chosen. I am showing other women that they can choose what they want and live a happy life, and that makes me happy.”

‘There is no better way to be a woman than this’

For Abiola Akiyode-Afolabi, who is one of the founders of the Women Advocates Research and Doc Center (WARDC), she says they hear a lot of stories like this because times have changed and things are not the same as they were in the past.

“We are seeing an increase in women excelling in jobs that were traditionally male-dominated, which was unthinkable a few decades ago. We are living in an era of educated, self-reliant, and globally recognized women. For them, marriage and childbearing have become a choice, not a necessity, and social media has played a role in ensuring that.”

Akiyode-Afolabi said the shift will not happen simply because there are many women who face challenges before achieving what they want, especially those with large families.

Although women who do not want to have children are less likely to be affected, one of the misconceptions society has about them is that they are selfish, inferior and weak.

According to the United Nations Children’s Fund, Unicef, about seven million babies are born in Nigeria every year, making Nigeria one of the world’s largest contributors to population growth.